How to Be More Confident (What Nobody is Talking About)
Everyone is talking about self-confidence. But no one is explaining how to be more confident.
This was the most frustrating part of my self-confidence journey!
I spent hours searching for the answers, only to listen to people talk about how you need to “fake it until you make it”.
But, what happens when that doesn’t work? What is an undeniable way to build confidence and improve self-esteem?
What even is self-confidence anyway?
[INSERT: Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown quote about what is self-confidence. Self-trust?]
To become more confident, we must learn more about ourselves and our emotions. We must be willing to explore ourselves and our interests. And we must be willing to release the perfect ideal we are looking to become. Self-confidence is a journey that we are on our entire lives, so no need to rush it.
Interested in more content like this? Follow us on YouTube @thescreels [INSERT: link to yt page]!
Ready to start your self-confidence journey?
Here are all lessons I’ve learned so far in my journey to gain self-confidence!
Lesson #1: Self-Neutrality is Key
First things first!
It is important to see yourself as a person who will inevitably make mistakes. It is easy to hold yourself to an impossible standard. But, expecting ourselves to be perfect all the time will inevitably lead to failure.
Instead, our goal should be progress.
Yes! Having an ideal for ourselves is great. But, we do not need to get upset with ourselves whenever we do not meet that ideal. It is important to have forgiveness and understand that you are human. You will make mistakes. You are never going to be perfect, no matter how hard you try. And that’s ok!
Lesson #2: Subconscious Beliefs Impact Actions
What do you believe about yourself?
I find that journaling is the easiest way for me to reflect on my self-beliefs. I use my bujo to do this. [INSERT: link to bp: Bujo for reflection]
You can fake it as much as you want. But, the truth is if you have a subconscious belief about yourself, it will impact your actions. You must address these beliefs to move past them and make the actions necessary.
How do you know what your beliefs are? Evaluate your negative self-talk. Not only what you say to yourself, but when and where they arise.
Do you notice that you talk negatively to yourself after socializing with new people? Or do you get angry at yourself when you accidentally give the wrong information? Do you doubt your decisions, when it contradicts someone else’s belief?
Remember: Negative emotions are only information!
Although they can feel very scary and upsetting at the moment, you do not have to be scared of them. You can choose to see them as information to inform your next actions forward.
Lesson #3: Self-Trust Impacts Your Beliefs
One of the reasons we can lack self-confidence is our bad habit of not following through. When we don’t follow through on our plans, ideas, and commitments, we teach ourselves that we can not be trusted. This can bleed into other beliefs and diminish our self-confidence.
Start following through or renegotiating commitments, even if they are only with yourself. This can be hard, especially if you are a person who loves to over-commit. I know I am!
If you need help with this, read this blog post. It is all about how to say no and stop over-committing. [INSERT: Link to BP: How to Say No]
As creative people, it is easy for us to overcommit and hard for us to say no to projects we REALLY love. But, constantly overcommitting can lower our productivity and our self-esteem.
Improve your self-esteem by spreading out projects. Choose to focus on different projects at different times.
I use the bujo journal to do this (I use the bujo for everything!) Here is a video all about using the Bujo to plan your projects:
[INSERT: YouTube Video on Bujo Project (Year-at-a-glance → Screels Video]
This includes strengthening your belief in yourself, your skills, and your abilities. Learn how to develop the skills that are very important to you. Then, practice pushing your comfort zone with these skills.
Brene Brown puts this perfectly…
[INSERT: “” from brene brown braving the Wilderness describing how we come out with all this confidence and it is dwindled down by our parents and peers]
If you haven’t read any of Brene’s books, I definitely would start! Brene is a great resource. Her research is all about shame and building intimate relationships. In her books, she talks about how to understand yourself and your emotions.
Lesson #4: The Danger of Seeking External Validation (for Everything)
Seeking external validation is not always a bad thing. But, we can get into the habit of looking to others to confirm our feelings, thoughts, and actions. When we do this, we can stop trusting ourselves. This is especially true for people pleasers.
Since we are easily swayed by other opinions, it can be a dangerous move. We start living how we believe others what us to live, and not how we want to actually live. We make choices according to how others told us.
Are you constantly seeking external validation? Practice evaluating your own emotions first. Think about what kinds of actions you want to make next. Try making that action. Try following through on that idea before telling someone else.
You’ll find that you don’t need others’ approval to make decisions.
Lesson #5: Pushing Your Comfort Zone for Self Discovery
The best way to push your comfort zone is to recognize your interests and curiosities. Then, explore them. Learn what is interesting to you and what brings you joy.
You hear this song play on the radio, and you want to learn how to play it on guitar? Try it! See someone on youtube go for hikes in the woods and it seems like fun to you? Plan a hike for the weekend! Want to learn how to ballroom dance? Find a class online!
It is important that you do these things despite whether you have someone to go with you are not. It is easy to hold ourselves back until we have someone to go with us. But, you will need
Plus, spending time alone actually builds your ability and trust in yourself. You learn how you think and feel in situations without other people’s input. You learn to trust that you can keep yourself safe, physically and emotionally. You learn who you are independent of others.
Lesson #6: Positive Relationships
Relationship building was a big part of my self-confidence journey!
Developing deep relationships was an important part of my self-confidence journey. Intimate relationship development requires honest communication and self-expression. This can be hard for chronic people-pleasers.
It is important to have relationships where you feel comfortable being yourself. We need relationships with people who love us enough to tell us when we are being stupid, emotional, lazy, or irrational.
This does not need to be true in every relationship. But, you should have some people around you that you know won’t judge you but instead will love you as the human you are. [INSERT: Link to BP: How to build strong relationships]
Releasing relationships that make you feel drained or self-conscious is also important. You do not want to cut people out every time you feel anything remotely negative. But, be conscious of how you feel after interacting with people. Do you feel constantly drained, ignored, unimportant, or that certain needs of yours are not being met? It might be time to evaluate whether that relationship is worth the excess effort. Would be better to release them? If you need to, discuss it with them.
Lesson #7: Social Performance Leads to Self Confusion
What do I mean by performing?
You know when you meet a new person, and they get the “upbeat & energetic” version of you. If not that you are not being yourself, but a more positive version of yourself. This is performing.
I recently found out that when I perform for others, I tend to get exhausted real quick. Instead of getting to know the person, you spend all your energy tailoring yourself.
How do we do this?
Learn to recognize when you are not living in your truth. Learn to recognize your emotions, then let yourself feel them. Let yourself be who you are in that moment. Tired? Anger? Upset? Confused? Whatever you are?
This brings us to the next lesson…
Lesson #8: Learn From Your Emotions
But, the key is to notice the emotions and thoughts as they arise. Recognize how those emotions feel in your body.
Use your body to recognize emotions as they arise. When you do this, it will allow you to analyze the situation before acting. You can avoid impulsive decisions and align your actions based on your wants and desires. Instead of how you are feeling at that moment. You’ll understand yourself and notice when emotions arise often so you can reflect on them later.
You need to learn how to talk yourself down from scary emotions as well. Base your thoughts and feelings on reality. Is this really what you want or are you scared to go after what you want because of fear?
I decided 4 years ago that I wanted to be an actor and writer. But, it was a lot easier for me to pursue my current job because it did not need me to put myself out there. It was something that did not mean a lot to me. I talked myself out of pursuing my dream profession out of fear of judgment and failure. I let my emotions lead my life for the last 4 years instead of addressing them and moving forward despite my fear.
When we ignore the scary emotions, we end up cycling around them until we address those emotions. Break the cycle by learning to feel and address your emotions.
Lesson #9: Prioritize Your Vessel
When we lack confidence in ourselves, body care can be one of the first things to go. We stop eating right, drinking water, or working out. Practice continuing your body care routines.
One thing that has really helped me is moving from a place of love. Instead of telling yourself that you need to do this because you are “lazy and haven’t moved or eaten all day”. Instead, go to the gym because it feels good! Eat well because you want to treat your body right.
Recognize the things that make you feel self-conscious or not good in your body. This should go beyond looks. Recognizing what makes you feel good. This can include external (i.e. clothes you feel confident in). But, it should also include internal.
If you know eating dairy makes you feel bloated and gassy, then try to avoid dairy. Avoid it because you deserve to not feel gassy and bloated.
Confidence is about more than just “fake it ‘til you make it”. It requires us to analyze and discover ourselves and our emotions. We need to be willing to do the uncomfortable. We need to be willing to pull our emotions back into reality do what needs to be done from a place of love and acceptance.
See you out there!
Love,
Ryn
[INSERT: Signature]
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